(This article appeared in The
Weekend Telegraph 11 June 2015)
The long summer vacation is often greeted with mixed feelings.
Whilst we love having our children home, months of unstructured and
unproductive free time can be a frustrating spectacle for parents often
resulting in bad behaviour and high stress levels. Children are demob happy at
the end of exam season but it can feel as though the pressure and anxiety a
child has been under shifts on to parents.
Finding a way to use the holidays so that children can relax but also learn some important life skills, will
ease the tension at home.
Here are 10 ways to not only survive the next 3 months but also to have a positive influence on the
adult your child will become:
1.
Aim for a ‘Holiday Plan’: How parents approach incendiary topics like bedtime, getting up,
helping around the house & screen usage is key. We learnt to Do As You Are Told, but our
children have been taught to have opinions/views, argue/debate, weigh up &
decide, so its best to tackle The Plan
with a “Can we talk through how things are going to work this holidays?”
approach. Not only does this encourage
collaboration, decision making and team playing, but once you have got your mutually
agreed plan in place (which may include “No lectures or nagging please Mum”),
it is easier to stick to it. Being irritated by a child’s lack of helpfulness
is contagious and damages the home atmosphere.
If you’ve made a plan you can say
“I’m cross because it is lunchtime, you’re still in bed and we agreed…..” “You
& I had an agreement about computer time…” “I thought you said 3 beers….”
2.
Get a structure in place: After they
have had an appropriate, well deserved rest and some post exam lie ins, aim to get
a framework in place before the
holiday kicks off. Some structure to the routine at home and some mutually
agreed rules will improve the emotional climate and everyone’s behaviour. Whatever you agree (Breakfast done &
dusted by midday? Help yourself to lunch but clear & wash up? Family
supper, everyone helps + no screens?) - get everyone to stick to it.
3. Encourage healthy sleep patterns: 10
hours sleep is ample and it is advisable to help establish good habits. Late night horror movies or on-line activities
under the duvet until 3am, will result in late starts and persistent lethargy. Daytime TV/screen time
will zap motivation & enthusiasm because it interferes with dopamine in the
brain. Help your child to organise their
day with screen-based activities as a reward after they have accomplished other things.
4.
Create a focus: During the weeks when
children are on holiday, but parents are still working, help children to have a
focus/purpose. This could be
volunteering or finding a couple of weeks paid work - a local farm/garden, shop/cafe,
doing some bar work/waitressing, youth club, pony club, activity centre,
cleaning holiday cottages, nannying, babysitting,
looking after Granny, domestic chores – what about cooking the family dinner?
5. Choices and Responsibility: Long holidays are
an ideal time to get your child to take responsibility - social life, travel
plans, bookings, arrangements and their own washing/ironing/packing. Thinking, weighing
up choices & making decisions encourages future independence, problem
solving and develops an “I can” attitude. Tempting as it is to micro
manage/help/advise/do it for them, try and rein yourself in. Remind yourself that without practice,
children can’t learn how to make their own decisions. If they have always
looked to adults for guidance, they become helpless passengers in their
metaphorical car. Easygoing compliance from your child is nice whilst
you are behind the wheel, but when someone undesirable hops in, your eager-to-please-child
will be easily led astray because they have no inner compass to guide them.
6. Expect some mishaps: Letting go and allowing some
(safe) risk taking gives children a chance to learn (from any mistakes). The brain is gradually wiring itself up to
have self-control but it is work in progress and can only develop via
experience. How parents manage mishaps
(at the pub, a party, festival or excursion) can offer vital learning - about accountability,
establishing limits (alcohol, sex, drugs) & developing
an emotional gauge, a conscience and a brake pedal.
7. Keep talking: Keeping lines of communication open
is vital, so your relationship and how you talk to your child needs to be as
good as it can be.
a.
Try not to harbor resentments, a “I am still
furious about what you did last week” may drive them underground and they will not
confess when they next mess up.
b.
Limit the lectures and instead have balanced
discussions.
c.
If they are off to a festival, a holiday
with another family or off travelling with a group of friends, ask them where
they stand on key issues before they head off.
The aim is to encourage an independent mind by getting them to articulate
their values & views on what you would like them to think about.
d.
If you want to steer the chat to meaty
topics like sex, porn, legal highs or marijuana arm yourself with
facts and plan what you are going to ask – approach with caution, opportunities
don’t come by that often.
8. Encourage a new skill/experience: The long summer holidays are a chance for your child to develop a skill, an interest or pursue a hobby. Many young people thrive on competition, being
part of a team, getting physically fit or getting better at something – sport, music,
art, riding, cooking. This boosts
confidence, self-esteem and self-worth in a way that Gaming, TV reality shows
or Facebook does not.
9. Do something together: try and find an activity
or sport that you manage to do regularly with your child over the holidays (camping,
tennis, chess, golf, cycling, cooking, fishing, walking). Being together is important bonding time that is difficult to find
during the busy school terms.
10. Make time for yourself: The holiday period is a
long haul for parents so use teenage late starts to read, meet a friend for a
cup of coffee, go for a walk. Prioritise
family mealtimes as a time you can enjoy being with your children. It is a chance for them to engage and
interact with all ages, be interesting and look interested in what others have
to say, listen and be able to accept other viewpoints. The best way these skills are imbibed is via
experience and what is role modeled to them.
In Brief…..
1.
Get a framework in place so the whole family
knows the routine
2.
Agree screen rules & establish
self-policing so you don’t have to micromanage
3.
Get your child inspired to roll their sleeves
up & earn some money or volunteer
4.
Encourage them to take responsibility for all
their plans
5.
Accept mistakes and see these as a chance to
develop and learn
6.
Keep lines of communication open and don’t shy
away from the difficult conversations (about alcohol, porn & drugs)
7.
Get them to give things a go & try new
things
8.
Encourage them to spend time developing a
skill, hobby or interest away from screens
9.
Find an activity that you can regularly do
together with your child (tennis, camping etc)
10.
Make time for yourself – parents set the
emotional climate at home. Enjoy family
time & wind down on occasions
Top Tips for Teenagers
1.
If you want something from your parent (friends to
yours, a lift to a party, money, stuff for school/uni) offer to do jobs at home
and THEN ask for what you want (parents tend to co-operate reasonably well if
handled correctly)
2.
Don’t allow yourself to be dependent on parents to
do stuff you are capable of doing yourself (travel plans, finding a job,
pursuing hobby, making arrangements).
Being independent feels really good
3.
Earn some money and reward yourself with something
you really want to do (this also helps you to manage your own money and live
within your means)
4.
Balance your downtime (gaming, social media,
partying, hanging out) with doing something meaningful and worthwhile (learn to
play a musical instrument, practice a sport, get fit, learn a skill like how to
cook, help an elderly neighbor or relative, get a job).
5.
Gaming and on-line stuff
is as addictive as alcohol/drugs – so balance screen time with getting out and
about. As with alcohol, you need to find
your limit and know when enough’s enough (red flags are when you are feeling
tired, irritable, lethargic, moody?).
Don’t become one of the millions of addicted gamers & alcoholics. Google the brain research and find out for
yourself: your vulnerable brain wires itself up depending on what it
experiences – and you wont know it is too late until it is too late.
6.
On-line porn affects your ability to have a proper
sexual relationship long-term because it kills your libido. Suffering from erectile dysfunction in your
20s is not normal and should ring alarm bells.
7.
Your on-line activities
and social media are hackable so if you are moving to a new school, off
to uni or a new job, think carefully about your on-line persona. Your parent should be able to see what you
are doing, posting & saying on-line, and if that fills you with horror, it
may be time to do some tidying up this summer.
8.
Marijuana & Legal
Highs are risky & may cause permanent damage (eg. irreversible incontinence
or psychosis). “Legal” does NOT mean
safe and it does NOT mean that the drugs are tested or regulated. Get on-line and do your research also be
mindful that the government is proposing to ban all “substances with a
psychoactive effect” – there must be a reason why?